Bally Total Fitness wants you to return to the womb!

The following is, I kid you not, a genuine excerpt from a contract with Bally Total Fitness.  You know Bally’s…the club that uses chiseled male torsos and scantily clad women to promise you a rocket body if you just join.

I thought that once the contract showed up, they’d cut the bullshit, since they’re just trying to sign you up as quickly as possible.  But apparently, they really want you to get intimate with their female members.  Intimate…as in inside their birth canals:

“If you have any questions, please call your home club or contact Member cervices.

See you at the club,

Bally Total Fitness”

I could pick on the fact that Bally’s contract writers aren’t spelling-bee champions, but much more fun to assume that all the egregious flirting that goes on in almost every Bally’s I’ve ever walked into — and much more, from what I’ve heard from friends who are Bally’s employees and scout the locker rooms every now and then — is the result of horny members taking the company quite literally at its (misspelled) word.

I could also get pedantic and preach the values of correct spelling, but I think I’ll let the lesson here be:

Never assume that “returning to the womb” is solely metaphorical.


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5 comments so far

  1. Neil Houghton on

    Damn… I knew I should have waited before I signed up with Rochester Athletic Club.

  2. Matt Haley on

    Don’t forget to practice your squats before signing up! (Ladies especially)

  3. Matt Haley on

    I think I’m the kinda guy who’d rather meet chicks in the library–you know, staying up all night plunging through the anals of history together.

  4. Jennifer Dziura on

    Wow, they’re really trying to shaft you.

  5. remixedmetre on

    “Really trying to shaft you”? “Plunging through the anals of history”?

    Sorry people, but when it comes to obvious sexual puns, I abstain. Not quite probing enough for my taste.


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