Convert your friends to Judaism with grammar!

You can’t script anything this good.

I went to Comix last night to see Judy Gold. Her set included a hilarious imitation of the women from the polygamist debacle, a sexualization of CNN primary coverage, jokes involving kosher lice, and of course, as usual, more information than you ever wanted to know about her crazy Jewish mother.

By the way, I wonder if “mother” ought to be capitalized there. I mean, “Jewish” in this context functions less as an adjective than as a necessary adjunct. “A mother that is Jewish” isn’t the same as a “Jewish Mother”, a term that has its own Wikipedia entry.

Anyway, midway through the show, she started picking on the people at one of the front tables. Eventually, she asked about schools and jobs. They were all from Princeton, except for two: a guy from Cornell (who seemed ashamed to admit that he’d stoop so low)…and a perky-looking blonde from…University of Illinois.

Now, Judy capitalized on one obvious opening and mentioned Cornell’s suicide rate. But with a connection right there between Princeton and Illinois, I’m surprised she didn’t immediately cash in on a golden opportunity and bring up this:

University of Illinois

Now, if you were telling this as a joke, this is the part where you’d send the Illini blonde down the road of egregious moronicity. But that’s a joke. This is the real world. Most likely, the girl is reasonably intelligent and would try really really hard not to make a fool of herself. Right?

Well, Judy discovers that her Princeton beau is not only a successful hedge fund manager (the others were lawyers and bankers, rounding out the trio of financially secure boredom), but also Jewish. Surprise, surprise — she’s not.

After using the word “goyem” a lot, Judy also finds out that they are soon to be married. In response, she looks at the blonde and asks, “Are you thinking about converting?”

Are you ready for the response? Are you sure? Okay, here it goes:

After an awkward pause, Ms. Illini smiles, looks right at Judy, and says:

“Maybe I’ll hyphenate.”

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1 comment so far

  1. Bun bun on

    😦 I dont get it. What’s wrong with wanting to hyphenate? Why can’t the girl keep some individuality? Now she is going to just be, “Mrs. Hedge Fund”. Wheres the love man? Wheres the love?


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